04 september 2023
gratitude:
- Finally found some old shoes that fit properly and don't have any holes in them
- I can write my journal here. Unlike my local journal which will disappear into the ether of an encrypted home partition when I'm gone, If anyone ever wonders what happened to that person they used to know they can connect the dots here. I hope my life can be more then a cautionary tale, but without here the current trajectory of my life is that one of the many hazards of being poor will quietly befall me and only some random family member will notice months later when they bother to check up on me.
- Before that stupid stressful job activated my chronic illness and everything went to shit, I had a few good years. What I missed out on fun "being a person" experiences, I made up for with exploring the question of what is reality and what does it mean to be concious. I escaped some of the bubbles people stay in their whole lives because they're too comfortable. I found the peace of living by my values, as free as possible from the cognitive dissonance that comfortable gainfully employed lives traps so many people in.
- When the reality that the people in charge aren't doing anything about climate change (aside from setting up futile little bunkers) hits everyone else, I have no further to fall. I'm already prepared for the inevitability that the medication that keeps me from slipping back into full body eczema will stop being available. I have no children for which to mourn a stolen future.
Regrets: I lived the entire healthy/able-bodied portion of my life trying to fit in by being useful. It took getting sick to realize that that means nothing. People tolerated me because I was useful, but I wasn't truly their friend. I realized far too late that it's impossible to have security by not being "one of the bad ones". Just because I wasn't one of those "bad ones", I still found myself in a situation where my suffering meant that those I thought cared about me would be unwilling or unable to help so they did what most people tend to do: ignore me and pretend I don't exist. This is a reality that most people are protected from until it's too late. They wonder how those people outside ended up homeless and they invent a one-size-fits-all narrative that paints them as bad people who probably deserve it. It's like the denial of death. I guess that's the only way to be a person in a world where people desperate for love buy designer breed dogs and walk them around a cities where more and more people are joining the ranks of homeless.
Ok. I need to get some shit done before I join the ranks of completely untouchables. There is still a narrow window of hope I can squeeze through if my efforts can be met with a little luck. Anyone have a gig for someone with 15+ years of programming and linux experience? My moniker elsewhere is "Will Code for Food" and right now that's pretty literal.