17 september 2023
I meant to browse, but I pressed 0 by mistake so here I am.
I'm trying to be positive because I have to be. I'm currently gaslighting myself into happiness by holding a smile. It works if you can suspend the inner critic.
On a walk I finally found clarity for some thoughts regarding the violence inherent to the system (help! help!).
In the old days, people like me were met with direct violence. Internment camps or a fist to the face. This made a lot of people very sad. Even the people who wanted the violence to happen were saddened by it. It's hard to sleep with blood on your hands.
The innovation was making it as indirect as possible. I'm an "eater", a "scrounger", and all things we say about the people we want to dispose of. It's how America has such an inhumane system for disability. It's how there are padlocks on dumpsters preventing me getting some bread. The violence is legal.
Perhaps it won't even matter, but if I get out of this I don't think I'll be able to do anything besides fight this shit. Nobody really understands how insidious the forces of social disposal of undesirables are until they become one themselves.