15 november 2023
Things I have learned but I am still in the process of internalizing:
If I work hard with the motivation of "be above all criticism, have no vices, don't waste time, don't even give them a chance to say your problems are somethings besides your chronic illness" I will eventually resent the people I'm trying to be perfect for. It's not sustainable.
If I work hard just to survive, I will slide into same depression that's defined the past decade. There has to be more than living besides that death sounds briefly painful and the little reptilian brain doesn't like that.
If I work hard for the improbable hope that it will matter someday, somehow I can do the work. I can put one foot in front of the other ad naseum.
Tricking the sleep-deprived executive dysfunctional brain is hard.