04 january 2024
I published my first podcast ep. I've been struggling with executive function issues for a long time, so it's a minor miracle that I was able to teach myself how to edit video in blender and do all the technical steps required to go from script to something published on youtube. The victory is that I have proof that I am not useless. One completed project vs. years of sliding into poverty.
I learned from this process that creating media is quite taxing on my old hardware. If I end up losing this space and I have to live on the run (a much nicer framing than "homeless") I'll have to stick to publishing text. There was a rush from getting something done, but an anti-podcast with 7 youtube views isn't going to the source of the miracle it's going to take to stay here.
The plan in my head that is keeping me from outright panic is renting a storage unit and getting a bus ticket to a warmer place. I'll leave those plans vague until I've exhausted everything else. It occurs to me that without an address I won't be able to receive my medication anymore unless I stay local. fuck I am stuck.
Somehow I have to trick a company into hiring a very sick person for a remote job then once I get healthcare I have to get well as quickly as possible so I can actually sleep and do the job. It's an absurd dream because of how mundane it is.
"wow this guy wants a job so he can take care of his chronic illness"
It feels like a waste to spend the one miracle I am allotted in life like that. I would hope for more, but being sick and isolated for this long has made me feel like I don't deserve more than that. Irrational I know, but the non-knowing half of the battle is one I have yet to win.