18 january 2024
I needed a long song to time out the process of kneading bread, so I picked Storm by GSYBE. I haven't heard this song in a while and I didn't have much of connection beyond a "that's neat" sort of way. In the middle of spinning the dough around the rim of the metal bowl I felt how I did growing up in a cult. This song starts with the feeling of euphoria everyone else is signaling to you. The middle is the crash and burn out for those who can't (or won't) experience it. It ends with a hollow feeling, the horror of day to day life under religious conservatism that weighs on those who don't properly fit in.
The prospect of going to live in that place "just to survive" after years of Just Surviving in the somewhat freer world is the storm on my horizon. I managed to buy myself another 2 weeks, but it's all question marks beyond that. Feeling like I have to prove I'm worthy of food and shelter everyday is getting really old. It's hard to stay attached to the non-survival mode me. Going to reach out to the rest of my long shots list before the ice melts.
The robots that read resumes and cover letters don't care. I hope they get mangled in a captcha.