20 january 2024
My main goal for 2024 is to not be a burden on anyone financially. I will make at least one of the things I'm working on into a money getting thing even if that kind of ruins it for me. This failing shell of a body be damned. I've been told this desire to be independent is "being ableist toward myself" but what other choice do I have?
Applying for disability was a bust. Traditional jobs have been rejecting me for close to decade now, and my current situation is only sustained by those who resent me for not "pulling my weight". Shouldn't have been born with a chronic illness that makes my body feel like invisible ants are running over me 24/7 I guess. Sorry for stuff that is beyond my control! Do I think other people with health issues like this should have to work? No. But since nobody in the world is going to ever extend that kindness to me (and we're certainly never going to collectively demand that disabled people aren't treated like shit by society), I have to choose between the painful road and the certain death road.
I choose the painful one because I'm FOMO about how reality plays out in the next 20 years. that's it. I-told-you-so's are inherently useless to me, but the curiosity of watching the entire global order collapse because powerful people refuse to entertain scientific realities is the most compelling storyline I have in the queue.