24 january 2024
When the itch got really bad and started eroding at my ability to think, sleep, and have normal executive function I started journaling in a little notebook. I filled it up and I couldn't afford a new one, so I started saving all the scrap paper I could find and started writing on those with minimal ability to recall things due to the hassle of rummaging through a box full of semi-organized papers.
Even though this system wasn't very good it helped alleviate the anxiety that I have when I can't put an idea down to focus on something else because I'm afraid I'll forget it. Still, I knew it could be better if I just gave in and used my computer for this task. Looking back, I didn't because I haven't had a properly ergonomic setup in a long time and actually sitting and writing on a crappy mattress in a cold basement with poor lighting hurts just to think about. I forgive myself for not being productive enough back them to prevent my current situation. Now that I have a table and a small monitor on a box I can at least work for more than 10 minutes without my back and wrists hurting.
Now that the urgency is becoming uncomfortably distracting instead of motivating I want to list a few things I'm grateful for, lest they find me in a heap, tut-tut about my wasted potential, and find no evidence I was at least trying.
- I've managed to get something published under my real name.
- I got to meet Ursula K. Leguin before she passed. Instead of taking a selfie with her like everyone else at the book signing I passed her a short story I wrote and said it would be nice if she read it since I've had the pleasure of reading so many of her books.
- Although I don't currently have the non-itchy focus to do it well, I understand programming and computer science stuff way better than I did 10 years ago. I feel like if I could get a time machine and "hire" 25yr old me to do the coding while present day me did the project management and design/engineering work I'd be unstoppable.
- I learned that living by my values is worth the high social price it costs because the social reward for 'going along to get along' is almost nothing. I think without this challenging situation I would have gone the rest of my life being a doormat for other people's values.
- A dozen life threatening allergies to common foods and my ethical position as to why I don't eat meat or dairy has made me the best vegan chef in the land. I've made so many things that have gotten the reaction "wow that's better than the 'real' thing you should start a food cart" from various people. I guess that's what happens when you cook nearly every single meal for 20+ years. Is that the 10,000 hours = mastery thing?
- I've used the same bash journaling script consistently since 2019. That means for all the dumb little websites and other bespoke software I've made for people that longer in service, there is at least one piece of software I've added to the world that still gets the job done. Or maybe too there is someone out there playing the javascript port of Gorillas I made way back when.
- I'm not afraid to die anymore, though I plan on putting it off as long as possible.
Next up; gotta prove I'm not useful to some people. It's going to be a very hard week even if I do my absolute best.