11 may 2024
vim user PSA: visual select a block of text and press gq. It will wrap your text so that it fits within the column size you have set. It will make it legible for people like me with small monitors.
I'm feeling better now that the medication regime I'm on is working. I am
grateful that my body is healing, but I'm frustrated that having eczema all
over from the shoulders up still has all the parts that really bothered me
about my having eczema all over my body, shoulders up included. Instead of
feeling like ants are running all over my body 24/hrs a day, they're "just" on
my face and scalp.
This means I still can never sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I still look
like the after photo in the Faces of Meth series. I still have fewer spoons
than average non-itchy non-sleep deprived person but I'm expected to compete
for jobs. I miss who I was when I could sleep. I hope they're not gone forever.
I wore myself out on a week doing a coding challenge for a remote job opportunity. Normally I would think seeing me on my circa 2010 webcam with my messed up face is the reason they won't hire me. This time I'm pretty sure it'll be "over 15 years of programming experience" seems like a lie when wading through coding challenges is really fucking hard when everyday I get like 2 hours of sleep sometime when I pass out around 5am because the hormone driven itch cycle finally subsides. To some degree, I only went through the stress of this particular job interview cycle because certain family members have decided I'm simply lazy and that's why I have a chronic illness. Allergies, eczema, and asthma are just things I invented to get out of working and the specialist doctors who I see are in on the scam.
Rationally it doesn't even make sense to try to appeal to these people, yet I try still. Being a people pleaser is such an awful personality trait. It makes me worry that if I were ever free of this disease driven poverty hell and I had a modicum of power I'd betray my values so quickly. As I write this I realize that people might not see the connection. I suppose I should clarify that in a future episode of the Invisible and the Dying.
~~~
I was in the right place at the right time so I got a free bag of potatoes and two large onions. I feel rich knowing at least for the next 3 days I will eat.