19 may 2024
gratitude:
- My hands are eczema free. I don't have to hide them.
- I read a chapter from Feersum Endjinn today. Could focus; quite enjoyable.
- The monitor I've been using since 2006 still works.
- The computer I've been using since 2014 still works.
- This medication seems to be working. There is a clear patch of skin on my face. Underneath the angry red and flaking eczema skin is something more human looking
- I got 3 hours of sleep IN A ROW
Complaints:
- If I make a bad meal, like today (noodles from scratch are hard), I have to eat it anyway or I don't get to eat. I have 6 servings of really awful buckwheat soba noodles I'm going to have to consume over the next few days. Hunger is the best seasoning I suppose.
- This medication makes me feel like absolute shit. Feels like I have an overly tight headband glued to my head.
- Now that I can sleep a bit, not having a bed is more noticeable. My neck and shoulders hurt so much
- food banks are useless when they don't let you choose your groceries. The
church lady
volunteerseems to be more interested in judging people for beingpickyrather than helping. Yes, I really do have those food allergies. Why would I walk alllll that way just to turn down peanut butter and every single thing which had soybean oil or pea protein? Old people really say things like "well I've never heard of anyone with an allergy to legumes" like I'm going to respond with "oh you're right, my mistake. I'm just an asshole who likes wasting your time as much I like wasting my own. I'll just eat a pb&j sandwich on soybean oil bread right in front of you and when the paramedics come tell them not to worry since nobody is actually allergic to legumes!"
With getting well comes the sharp re-introduction of expectations. Chronic illness is not a fun vacation from responsibility. There is a deep worry that the pattern of a medical problem that zeros me out financially will hold and I have 10 years or less before I catch another stray anaphylactic reaction that takes everything again. I give myself permission to just die next time. re-restarting my life at nearly 40yrs old is endurable because of a deeply held uncertainty over weather or not this is our only shot at existence. My life may not be very enjoyable (indeed, if ghouls in the American government were suddenly made to live like I have for the past 10 years we'd have a much different world), but I'm very curious about how this all turns out. I won't see the end of every loose thread, but I will see some. Will Moass happen? Will those strange fast moving objects be revealed as an alien presence? Will either of the two dumbasses who will likely be our next president not outlive me? Will we ever accept that capitalism and confronting climate change are incompatible? I think at least some of those things will be revealed if I can make it at least 5 more years.
The DMT elves didn't say anything about getting to live like them. Even if we
get to live on forever, it won't be interesting to spectate this world anyway.
What I'm saying is, if I've gone mad, it happened years ago but my ability
to hide it has left me. A tenacious will to live is equal parts curse
and blessing.
I've had the same damn song hook stuck in my head for more than a month now. It's a song I've never been a fan of nor have I ever sought out. Yet it haunts me. This is boderline intrusive thought territory.
I'm WALKING ON SUNSHINE. OH OH, AND DON'T IT FEEL GOOD? (it does not) there
are also the endless 'parody' version I keep coming up with that I mentally
sing to myself. Most of these don't even rise to the standard of fitting the
tune properly yet in lieu of the things I need to think about comes this
garbage.
all the above is the result of sleeping enough to have some energy but not enough for cleanly defined lines between dream and my regularly scheduled hellish existence.
gratitude bonus:
- Somebody stopped to help me on the street when my bag broke open and I had to scramble to pick things up. At the time it made me uncomfortable because I'm not used to it but in retrospect I appreciate they actually saw me as a person