08 november 2024
This is my last post here for the foreseeable future. I'll still be in town, but I need to return to paper journaling. I may write a few things on my gemlog or web space, but I can't commit to anything now. Also feel free to email me. Before I go I'd like to remind anyone who reads this to check up on their friends, especially the ones who don't say much. Reach out to people you suspect might need help even if you disagree with them on important things or you're afraid of what they might think of you. A couple of townies reached out to me in the past and means a lot to me (and that's as someone who generally would rather not speak to anyone). There is someone in particular who went away that I really hope is doing well.
I began writing on feels because I needed a space to confront the stress of expressing myself publicly without playing the game of chasing likes. My experience with being doxed and stalked in the past took a long time to process. This space was a big part of that, so I would like to thank ~endorphant and the other contributors to feels. Free as in freedom software is an important value to me because it demonstrates that good things are possible outside the context of for profit production.
Speaking of freedom, the fact that I took a long pause to search for the painfully contorted euphemism "context of for profit production" means I'm already regressing into thought policing myself. That's not fun. On paper I can say whatever I want without the traumatized people pleaser response of taking 10 minutes to filter everything through the lens of "what will people who have power to hurt me think about what I'm saying?". Even if you are comfortable with attention I highly recommend the lost of art of writing things nobody else will ever see.
I'm nervous about meeting with some friends I haven't seen in more than a decade. I can forgive, understand, and rationalize, but I can't forget. Solidarity in practice is messy and uncomfortable, friendship even more so. I hold deep fears about the future that most people would rather not talk about, especially face to face. At least now those fears won't be dismissed anymore. Going it alone doesn't work anymore. It did for a long time, but I can't keep it up forever.
The aliens and dmt elves watching us must be laughing their asses off