15 september 2025
Grateful to be alive, have enough money to buy food this week, and the people I care about are, all things considered, ok.
I dropped my glass pie plate containing half the spinach and bean pie I made the other day. I was a bit shocked by numb reaction to it. "it'll be fine, it's just stuff I can replace". I didn't even swear or lament at having to clean up broken glass and no longer having a delicious dinner available (mmm plain beans n rice).
In a way stoically accepting what can't be changed and no fretting over the cost and irreplaceable time is ultimately what people expect of me so it's good in that respect, but I also wonder if that numbness is a result of being the slowly boiled frog that can't feel anything below extreme heat.
Between the worry for my friends/fam, worrying ICE is going to abduct me, worry that my only source of support could vanish at any time, worry for my own fragile health, flash bangs and tear gas at protests, and worry about every little setback, I think my brain is burned out a bit. It's not healthy, but I doubt anyone is right now.
Can't afford a new pie dish just yet. Goes hand in hand with my family's primary and perhaps only concern about me: Do YoU HaVe A JoB yET?