23 october 2026
No more medication in Janurary unless I'm working 80hrs a month (thanks "big beautiful bill").
So no more just hanging on.
about 3 months before I go back to full body eczema, asthma, and being allergic to everything.
Today I feel comforted by having an end date. I'll let them hospitalize me again, but this time I will refuse antibiotics when that becomes the only option. There is no point in survival if life becomes like it was in 2020 ONLY WORSE. I also don't have to worry about my stalker anymore. wtf is he going to do, ruin my life again? I no longer really need to carefully protect my identity either. Why worry about the door lock on a house set to be demolished soon?
Between fits of itch and drug induced brain fog I will work on getting what I have edited and published somewhere. Not much else I can do. It's funny that I still have a weird obsession about what happens me and my stuff when the lighs go out for the final time. It's like I'll be there post credits watching people fret over the state of my tiny apartment or the loose ends. I just want to LET GO of everything. I will never know security or other bottom-teir masslow's heirrchy stuff, but I would like to be free of anxiety for a little while. I want to feel the sensation of not having to conform everything I say and do to please people so i can stay housed. I want to the freedom of just not worrying about anything that I don't want to. It takes such a mental toll to live like this.
No wonder I never turned this around. Being sleep deprived and constantly distracted by itch/pain for a decade without relief is like having a sack of bricks bound to me and hen being told to just fly.
I'm more mad at the world than I am anything else. that is intolerable. too bad.