29 april 2024
Having this crawling thing up my throat because it just kind of occurred to me that for the past 5 years I've kind of been defined by being a physics major and now I just feel totally disconnected from that. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with this. I'm having the same thoughts of changing my program that I had like 3 years in only I didn't because what the hell else was I going to do? It feels like. I have no idea what I can actually do with this even after years of people telling me its versatile and seeing stats like 80% of people with degrees & jobs don't work in a field related to their job. But right now it seems like everybody's struggling with jobs and that that's been the case for a while. I've been told and been telling myself that any degree is better than no degree, which is in a sense true, but god damn I feel like I should have done engineering or something. Although, realistically, no engineering undergrad program would have taken me. I still should have applied or something. Or CS or shit like that. But I've been seeing bad news about that field too.
Ok now that I've got that vent out. Different vent. It seems it's all about connections everywhere. That's a major thing that even my peers are stressing. I have few connections myself, and the prospect of trying to get a job with those of my parents (who are only more connected because they're twice my age i.e. have had time to make & keep more friends) would force me to closet myself fully. Oh god that shit already almost killed me. I'm already facing forced medical detransition because the uni clinic won't see me 6 months after I graduate (assuming I don't fail my one required course... ha, that would be funny at this point) and that means I can't get HRT anymore. The damn "directory" is either full of therapists (yes because I can talk-therapy my way into bodily changes) or clinics that aren't even seeing new patients. The absolute state etc etc etc... I was told to go look for an endocrinologist so the clinic could refer me to one but goddamn. Goddamn.
On the bright side I finally had time to reorganize my room to a large extent. Got my 2012 laptop running too.
Ok. Slept a bit. Calculated my GPA. It's low. I can't even try grad school. Got my grade back for a class I'd been doing well in and it looks like I must have fucked up the exam badly or something. It's not good. We don't really do GPA in Canada but for some reason grad schools do so up until now I've just been doing my raw average and converting it via table. Mistake. Did it via spreadsheet. Goddamn. I thought I'd at least been doing ok. Sad thing is I can't even think of what I would have done differently other than just not do this program at all. But if Physics was this hard I imagine something more sought after would be even worse, if only because there would be way more competition and way harsher standards to compensate. Augh.