01 may 2024
I guess I just feel like this shakes my identity. I also feel like I should have thought further ahead. I'm like. This whole time I've been stressed about graduating on time and I kept just taking more and more courses per term. I should have left off some of the harder ones. I should have withdrawn from some courses. I should not have taken courses at all while I was stressing over co-op. I don't know how other people managed to stay in co-op while also taking courses according to the recommended sequence. I knew people who straight up failed some courses and I've never failed a course and it's making me feel petty and small because on some chilidsh level I feel like that should count for something. I don't want to be labeled as "less academically inclined" when I've dedicated my whole life up to now to just studying. I don't understand why any of this is making me spiral into despair multiple times per day, and why it's only starting now, half a month after my last exam.
I'm also comparing myself to people who are doing way better than me because those are the people actually sharing their averages. I'm doing analysis on my degree just trying to figure out what I should have done differently.
I should have withdrawn from Waves, E&M the course, which would have meant withdrawing from the lab as well. I should have withdrawn from Differential Equations, then Optics & the associated lab. I flat out should not have taken all the courses I did while also struggling with co-op worries. The fucked thing is that I didn't even remember taking those courses while taking courses that they are prerequisites for. I should not have taken Spring term courses at all. I should have withdrawn from that econ elective and damned the loss of OSAP funds. All of these "should have"s would have gotten my average to about 80. This is 14 withdrawals that weigh as much as 24 lecture courses. At 5 lectures per term (maximum), taking these courses would last another 5 terms, or 2 years (accounting for Spring term things). Would that be worth it? Right now I want to believe that isn't worth it. But it still haunts me.
Talked with my mom about it. She told me that withdrawing from stuff is what she did and that's the reason she never finished her degree. I have to convince myself that finishing it at all is a good thing. I just wish it didn't cost so much. Based on data from Statistics Canada, I'm actually graduating with less starting debt than the average. The big sticking points coming to mind right now are the forced re-closeting and losing a community. I have contacts from people to talk to but god. Literally took me until my final year to find a space where it didn't feel like an uphill battle to keep in touch with people and now I'll be gone. I feel abandoned even though logically it's me who's supposed to move on.
My mom says that even my grade isn't too bad considering the rigor and reputation of my uni. Some people I know have said employers specifically prefer my uni. But my problem is that most people (including me) chose this place because of the co-op program but I had to withdraw from it and then just sunk-cost-fallacied my way through the rest of my program. I did consider switching universities but I had vivid nightmares about that. I was worried about retaking courses at the time, now it's something I only wish I had done.
The good news is I'm fortunate enough to take time to regroup. The bad news is that I need to recloset myself and stop HRT. And performing femininity for job interviews and such is going to be painful.