27 june 2024
Thinking randomly about how I don't read my previous stuff before writing a feels log for a new day.
Had a nightmare last night that I was in university again, only it looked like high school and people were shuffled around in their roles. The nightmare was that I was 30 minutes late to class.
Thinking about my degree again. Majoring in physics in Canada of all places is... just such a bad decision. You need a P. Eng to get any engineering job. People claim it's a very versatile degree, but I'm just. Talked to a friend of mine last night and it's just not easy to market. I don't know what else I could have done, though. Fucking. I've been going with the advice I've been given, just do what I like + think I'd be good at + is in STEM. Terrible advice.
I think I'm just kind of reaching for things to blame. I keep thinking about maybe killing myself and "starting over" which is weird because I've never once believed in reincarnation.
I went into physics because it was my big interest in high school. I thought since everyone always told me I could do science that I could make that into a job, somehow. Go academia and all that. I didn't want to do CS because I was intimidated, and I didn't want to do engineering because it made my parents miserable. So. Now I'm regretting not just sucking it up. Then again there's no guarantee I'd've made it in those fields either. Not like I've even done much yet. I don't know.
I just. Don't know why I feel so terrible when I actually write it down, but I still do. Just feeling terrible.