03 july 2024
Sometimes I feel ambivalent, and sometimes suicidal. I'm gonna try to list my mistakes and see how I feel.
Not taking a break in high school
If I had taken a break just to focus on my future instead of grinding out assignments non-stop, I would have made better choices. Instead, I could only give thought to my "passion" because that's what people said, and I decided on physics because it was something I'm good at and it's a STEM subject. STEM is a meme at this point, and it was then too, only I didn't do enough research. When I went to the university fair, I exclusively looked at "good" physics programs. More fool I.
Not taking a break after high school
Even after spending money on applications, I could have deferred or even declined them just to really think through spending 5 years and nearly 20k for the chance at a very narrow career that requires extremely tough training. I should have researched my career prospects and developed backup plans for if shit hit the fan. Instead I just assumed that since I was good at it and interested in it that I'd just keep going. Maybe that's an uncharitable read; I don't actually remember what I was thinking. I know my mom was against gap years on principle.
Not reevaluating after first year
Lockdowns happened right at the end of mine. I had time in the summer to think, the only summer break I had, and I took just one single course in CS and spent the rest of the summer recharging from the past year.
Not reevaluating after my first unemployed co-op term
I thought co-op = jobs in the future. Not getting a job meant that I should have reevaluated my life plan. Instead I naively assumed it was just COVID and I would get one next time.
Not reevaluating after my second unemployed co-op term
Last possible unemployment term, and instead of reflecting, I panicked and tried placating myself.
Not reevaluating after my co-op advisor called me
I was very obviously suicidal and instead of opening up further I got scared I'd be institutionalized and placated her and myself.
Not seeking help
Fucking "anxiety" or whatever. I was too easy on myself because I was treating myself like a skittish animal. I wish anyone in my family saw me struggling and helped.
Believing my physics professor's graphs
In my third or fourth year, one of my professors put up a whole series of charts about low unemployment in physics and how many physics majors go on into engineering or CS positions. After being unemployed in co-op, why did I of all people think this was an option for me? If I can't compete with inexperienced 18-22 year olds, how could I possibly compete with people who have specialized degrees in exactly what employers want?
Not transferring when I met that civil eng student
I met one who transferred from my exact program. By then I felt I was 4 years in the hole and it wouldn't be worth it.
Finishing my degree
Locked myself out of assistance programs for a better education. Locked myself out of internships. Locked myself into being a loser with a wasted degree.