06 july 2024
I feel good
Ok so. Networking. Actually works really well. I crashed hard because I had no externals to meet for the first time in 9 years and I didn't know what to do with myself. Talked to two people today who got me some perspective.
I literally forgot that teaching is a thing I already enjoy and am almost qualified to do. Science communication! Fuck, there's so much of that! God, I could work at the OSC with that kind of career, or even indulge in some off-the-wall daydreams of myself as the next Bill Nye!
Anyway. This is why untreated mental illness is not good. Hopefully tutoring gets me enough money for maybe one therapy session once my student insurance runs out.
Teaching scares me to be honest because it is virtually certain I'll have to stay closeted until I can get a full time job & join the union. Science communication is a less certain field but it seems much better for me as a trans person. Hopefully I get to go on HRT again soon. Being off it has made me more suicidal than I thought.
Holy shit it just clicked for me. I'm the closest I've been to suicide in years. I'm getting such tunnel vision that literally only joblessness and various forms of self-annihilation are on my mind.
This is just flat out dysphoria again. God fucking damn it. How the hell am I supposed to explain this to my parents? Sorry mom & dad, I have to reject the church explicitly because I will literally die if I don't transition. Fuck, can I get a doctor's note for this?
More tunnel vision notes: I knew I didn't want to go into engineering because my dad took me to the engineering firm he works at for the grade 9 career day thing and it was just. So depressing there.