11 june 2019
Content warning: very sappy...
I didn't want to talk about my girlfriend on my first feels bc I think it should be more an introduction to me. That sentence sounded more authoritarian than I thought. Anyways I like her a lot, and I spend quite a lot of time thinking about her. What prompted me to write about her today is that I was looking through a meme song blog on tumbr that ~artemis shared, and came across "Space Song". As stereotypically hipster this song is, it reminds me of her. For one, she was the first person to show me them, and on the day we met. Now, the circumstances that lead to this are a great story, but I'll save it for another time. We were in her ~ college dorm ~ and at the time it was completely fascinating to me. I was a lowley community college boy (and I still have this chip on my shoulder).
Anyways, I think both of us were kinda awkward, and nervous but, she put on the album Depression Cherry and while I think there was an air of awkwardnsess we were pretty comfortable next to each other looking at the ceiling or each other pretty silent just listening to the music.
I've listened to the album many times since then, but for some reason listening to this dumb remix just now reminded me of what I felt being there next to her. I remember thinking how I've never felt such strong emotions, maybe it was love, but I had known this person for less than 12 hours. I usually talk to myself in my head, and in this moment I had no words. Thinking about it makes me want to go back.
Our relationshipt at the moment is not bad or anything, besides her studying abroad 1-3k miles away for a few months but, at the time it was novel. I was so far outside my comfort zone and normal operation that weekend. It was just strange, and relieving to find her in the midst of it. Our normal interactions are much different now, with a lot of batter and we're hardly quiet around each other. But, I think when she comes back it'll be similar to when we were new to each other.
I think my memory is deliberately romanticizing this in a way. As romantic as the quiet times spent together were, some of it was out of anxiety and the feeling after seeing her was so dreadful. Seeing if she was gonna reply or maybe she'd get too busy to see me again. I guess I also didn't really have a concrete reason she liked me, and, though she never admitted it, I was somehow sure she did. Anyways, I can now rest assured she does, and we are much better friends now, than before.
I hestiate saying the relationship is better than before beacuse I think it might imply that something about it was bad and that I might want to retroactively change it. Or that there was a calculated change imposed create it. I'm happy that we got to where we are and I look fondly at the memories of those previous times. While, in moment such as now, I want to go back, I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world.