20 january 2019
Is It Love or Is It Infatuation?
Alayna is back in Oklahoma. I think she fell asleep. That's fine. I want her to get some rest. She desperately needs it. <3
Do I love Alayna or do I not? I've done a lot of reflection on this topic today. It's been said one can't really assess if you're in love or if you're just smitten until after the fact.
So... I'm gonna make a really long feels post about it.
Signs of infatuation
It's said infatuation often involves putting a person on a pedestal, having illusions that the person is perfect or has no flaws. I know she has many problems, ones I'm not going to be able to fix. There's problems I'm not sure she can fix. I accept her anyway despite them.
It's also said that infatuation is unlike love in the sense that love means learning to accept that the other isn't perfect. Love persists, even after one has been disappointed and has disappointed the other. She's let me down before. I've let her down before. Severely so, in fact. It's bound to happen again, to both of us. That's just the way things are. Neither of us are perfect, after all. And that's fine. I expect nor demand perfection.
It's also said infatuation lasts less time than love. I mean, it's been 20 days, so I don't really know if it meets that criteria. Time will tell...
Most of what I've read about infuation boils down to these few things, essentially. I'm sure an entire book could be written on the topic, but it would ultimately produce more heat than light.
How would this affect the long-term?
I know damn well that this relationship may not last the rest of our lives. I told Alayna that a long-term committment wasn't necessarily what I was looking for. I'm still not sure I'm after that.
I remember that I came into this a lot like the song by The XX, Dangerous. Those were my initial feelings.
But now? The more I think about it, the more I realise that losing her would hurt. A lot. That's probably a sign that my feelings for her have at least grown.
Would loving her mean that I'll want Alayna as a secondary forever? I honestly don't know. For now, I'm very happy with this arrangement.
I do know I want Alex to stay my primary and my wife, no matter what. But co-primaries are a thing, and I'm open to that. Polygamy? Not so much...
But anyway.
Dealing in the what-ifs is a fool's game. My crystal ball's in the shop for repairs, and without that, all I can do is speculate.
What about Alex and I's feelings?
Regarding mine:
A major tenet of polyamory is the concept of abundant love. I still have tons of love to give. Besides, whether or not I love Alayna is irrelevant to my love for Alex. I still love her and want to be with her. So in short: my feelings for her are no different.
As for Alex's feelings:
I expect her to be jealous. That's a normal reaction in all polyamorous relationships. I hope she realises that my love for her is absolutely unchanged: undiminished, and still just as intense. I adore her with every fibre of my being. She's my wife, after all, and that hasn't changed one bit in my mind.
So, do I love Alayna?
The answer is: "I think that if I'm not in love, then I'm falling in love. So... maybe?"
My own experience is irrelevant here, because well, I find it difficult to distinguish love and infatuation myself.
I think I need more time to be certain. I know I don't feel the same way about her as I do Alex.
I could compare this to past relationships, but I don't know how my feelings for Alayna compare to my exes, to be honest.
My current relationship with Alayna remains unchanged. I have no real desire to stop, or I would. I do want to take it easy, though, which I have been. The last thing I want is a loss of inhibition like I had at New Years and wound up having sex with her (this is a big motivation for me quitting alcohol, incidentally).
The ultimate answer I really want though isn't so satisfying:
Wait and see.