28 january 2019
Flaws in partners, and also love feels
Two big things I want to talk about.
Co-dependency and accepting your partner's flaws
Someone's posts on fedi today reminded me of all those past partners I would often put on pedestals and ignore their flaws. I wanted to believe in their perfection, and when they turned out not to be perfect, or they up and left, it would be impossible to let go.
Putting partners on pedestals leads to the road of co-dependency. This is really not a good road to go down. I've been down it a few times. I've had people become co-dependent on me. My life has a trail of exes that illustrate this all too well.
It's important to remember no one is perfect; this is the nature of being human. Accepting this is an important part of maturity. Everyone has flaws. For a relationship to work, you have to remember your partner is going to let you down, that you're going to let them down, you're going to argue, you're going to disagree, and that these are all normal parts of relationships. It doesn't illustrate a deeper-seated problem, although these are all problems you're going to face at one time or another. God knows I have.
But this is about my feels, not about me pontificating. I am going somewhere with this.
I always remember my partners have glaring flaws.
For instance, take Alex. She has severe abandonment issues. She won't let me have sex with Alayna yet because she's afraid I'm going to leave and not come back. She has issues in the sack related to dysphoria. Her self-image is terrible. She's in near constant pain. She sometimes annoys me with her nagging. She gives in way too much to people out of fear of stirring the pot.
And then there's Alayna. She has severe alcoholism that is statistically likely to relapse at any time. She's very impulsive. She's neurotic about the strangest things. She is very quiet and introverted to the point she doesn't want to snuggle a lot. It's hard to keep her attention for more than a minute.
But I'm not perfect. I have issues with my very short fuse. I'm extremely impulsive. I'm an alcoholic. I do stupid things like burn cotton balls soaked in everclear in a shot glass. I'm overweight as a result of unhealthy habits. I'm in near constant pain. I can't focus for more than a few minutes on anything, unless I develop some kind of hyperfixation. I exist in a constant state of fatigue.
But flaws are just one part of a person. My partners are more than their flaws. I love them anyway, despite them. But accepting flaws means acknowledging their existence.
Love feels
Alayna is back in Tahlehquah today to clean her parent's house. I don't miss her a super lot, but it's been less than a day. I'm going to get her in about 10 hours.
We're coming up with a way to bring her mattress here.
I had an asthma attack last night requiring hospitalisation. She was there by my side the entire time along with Alex. It felt absolutely amazing having her there by my side during a really tough time.
The day after my love post, I told her I loved her. She told me, "I love you too." SQUEE.
Yesterday, she said, "I love you" unprompted. I told her, "I love you too." I felt like I was gonna melt.
So I guess you can say that's going well.
Alex says she's getting more comfortable with the idea of us having sex. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna smash. But I also don't want to rush Alex into it. It'd be nice for her to say yes for my birthday (Valentines Day).
Whee.