28 march 2019
Bad Mental Health Season
Warning: This post discussess suicide and suicide attempts in detail.
Over the past month, the stress and anxiety of life has gotten to me a lot. It's literally destroying my relationships and almost myself at one point. I guess I can try to make a coherent feels post about what's been going on, but it's likely to just be a ramble...
But maybe it will be cathartic.
Suicidal thoughts and an attempt
I've had mild ambient suicidal thoughts since November, but lately they've come to a head. I finally snapped two weeks ago and actually tried. I tied a noose with an electrical cord, hung it on a hook in the foyer with a square knot... and...
creak
The hook bent and I was touching the ground. Attempt failed.
My neck was killing me and I tasted plasma. Pretty familiar stuff, given I've tried this a few times.
I ran to Alayna, who was the nearest person, to talk about what the fuck I just did. I wasn't sure what the fuck to feel, but I knew that what I just did was a pretty bad fucking thing. She already hasn't been doing great (in part due to me, I'll explain), and this attempt just made it so, so much worse.
The next day, my roommates and Alex all basically sent me to the local mental hospital. I told the interviewer about my plans whilst eating a bag of snack mix, calm and collected. I described how I felt everything in my life was useless and how I was a heavy burden. They sent me home with a "safety plan," essentially meaning Alayna and Alex had to be with me at all times. Fucking Hell, I can't stand the lack of privacy, privacy I literally can't have, for my own good. All to save me from mysellf.
Anxiety and other bullshit
As long as I can remember, I've had issues with anxiety. But lately, it's just gotten so much worse. It's hit Alayna hard, who has had to bear the brunt of my irrational anxiety about our relationship (Alex is unfortunately extremely used to this). Everything makes me anxious and paranoid. I'm always afraid people are going to leave me, that people don't love me or care about me, that people want me dead. I've drank more than I should have, albeit not at alcoholic levels, just to feel normal.
I saw a therapist a few days ago, who nailed my anxiety issues down to a T. She hypothesised that my issues with MDD are related to anxiety. She's right. It's been a problem for years, and it gets worse from time to time, especially when I don't have enough space.
I really need to learn how to deal with this anxiety or it will continue to rule my life.
Lack of space and too much going on
Ever since Alex has arrived, and especially since Alayna has arrived, I've not given myself the space I need to decompress. I need periodic alone time, usually for only a day or two. When I don't get it, I tend to become even more anxious. I suspect that this is the real cause of everything coming to a head lately.
So to help (albeit not cure or really address the underlying problems), I've voluntarily given myself some space from Alayna, and as much as possible given the safety plan, Alex (we share a room but that doesn't mean I can't do my own thing alone). I've been keeping busy with household tasks as well, which give me periodic bouts of alone time and keep my mind off things. It's a good outlet for anxiety, and also helps get things done that have needed to get done.
Last week, we decided to move to a bigger room in the house. Even though I don't generally handle big changes well, especially regarding location, I've actually found that moving into a bigger room with more space has helped me immensely. I don't feel jammed into a small space anymore. Alayna can actually be in here without it feeling extremely crowded. I can get out of bed without disturbing Alex. It's fucking amazing and I love it.
Hope for the future
I think I can get better. I'm getting the help I need now, from competent professionals. Thank Eris for that.
So I guess I can say that although things have been shitty, I have reason to believe they can get better.