22 may 2016
sometimes people ask me how i am, and i don't know how to answer because i'm often not in a good state for self-assessment.
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when i'm feeling good, i can't remember a time during which i didn't feel good, and it seems inconceivable that i could ever not be feeling good.
when i'm feeling bad, i can't remember a time during which i didn't feel bad, and it seems inconceivable that i could ever not be feeling bad.
there is the up state and the down state; without a transitional grey zone in between, i have no mechanism with which to bridge between them. i cannot touch either state from the other. sometimes, the switch just flips.
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sometimes i have to remember that most people are not inside my head 24/7, therefore most people do not see, hear, or experience the chatter that is my general head state. sometimes i have to remember that all humans are individual, fully-formed humans with their own agency, and thus act autonomously and in their own self-interests. i act only in my own self-interest, because i am incapable of perceiving things beyond my own awareness; others do the same. somehow, we manage to cooperate.