25 october 2016

i'm coming out of a haze and life is feeling okay again. i'm reminding myself to note when this happens so that in the future, i can believe myself when i try to convince myself that this is possible.

i have 13 post-its on the wall over my desk; each one has the name of a fellowship or residency that i think i can apply for, plus a couple of details, and the application deadline. they're lined up in chronological order. i have a deadline coming up next week. it feels good to stare at this wall, even though i know i will have days when it seems crushingly stressful.

i've gotten back to being able to bear crossing things off to-do lists again; for a while, i was only capable of slowly enqueuing things, but felt a paralyzing and inexplicable feeling at the thought of both completing individual tasks, and completing entire lists. i am afraid of running out of things to do. i'm afraid i'll be bored and idle. when i'm not taking good care of my head game, i cope with this fear by forcing myself to do nothing, as if having a sense of control over the state of boredom could cure me of the fear of boredom.

i can tell i'm doing better with my head because i'm able to articulate these things.