18 may 2019
I don't know how to start this off.
I've been down the past few days. Trans stuff. I'm not really in a position where I can actually go forward with any of this. My partner is supportive, but her family isn't, and my boss isn't (coworkers are fine with it, though they don't know about me).
I guess I'm just looking for an outlet: a way to say things that can't tie back to me. Some place to just scream into the void so I can carry on how I normally am.
Things are generally going well for me. Why is it that I keep feeling bad and making myself feel worse? I see trans stuff online, I connect to it, but I can't go through with any of it.
It's hard looking in the mirror and seeing me looking back.
I went through with all this stuff years ago. I felt happy about it and still feel it was the right call. My partner and I made the decision to leave it be, to not continue with the hormones, so that things would be easier between us. I also still agree with that decision. At the same time, I'm left wanting more. If I weren't with her, I'd probably be moving forward with this stuff, but I don't want to be without her.
Don't get me wrong, there's no animosity towards her, nothing but love. I figure it's just a "grass is greener" situation: "I'm sad; I don't like myself; of course it'd be better to transition, look at all these funny, heartwarming, and supportive things other trans people say online." I also know that's the main trope of the whole "egg" culture.
I guess that's why I'm here. Just some place to go to let out those feelings and be with supportive people.
Yesterday I was ready to open this post with "I'm trans! Trans! TRRRAAANNNSS!" and leave it at that. I'm feeling a little more somber today.
These moments of "funk" don't last for very long -- maybe a few days -- but they do happen with pretty high regularity. Here's to hoping this one ends soon.