19 may 2019
Woweee another day, still feeling bad!
I've taken two really long showers (one last night, one today), which usually helps a little bit. In a way it helped, because I was able to just sit and enjoy the water, but it didn't really resolve the problem.
My fiancee knows somethings up, but I'm not ready to talk about this stuff with her (again). She always gets so sad and I end up feeling worse for causing her to be sad.
Sometimes I wish I could just split in 2 and leave one half here to keep her happy and the other half to go out, be trans, and explore more of the world. But I don't really wish that, because more than anything, I just want to be with her. I guess I just wish that her family was more supportive, not just of trans stuff, but of me and her too. Her parents are the hyper-conservative, military-focused type of people.
I'm supposed to go out and see my family today. I do want to see them, but I also just want to sit in bed and be sad (and hopefully be done being sad).
You know that new snapchat filter thing? The female/male filters? I thought I would be happier seeing them but somehow I feel worse. I think that's what caused all of this.
Why'd it have to look the way it did? Hell, I would have been happier if it just showed a picture of some anime girl and left it at that. Instead, it was just realistic and unattractive enough to really get to me.
Thankfully, that's a pretty common reaction to it, so maybe the filter is just bugged. I really hope so.
Regardless, seeing it makes me want to shave off my beard. I started growing it to keep my fiancee happy (she likes to play with it, and it does make me look more handsome, but that's not really my goal, is it?). And in a way, I do like it. But I'm ready for it to be gone.
The only trouble is that if I get it shaved off, I'll need to get a haircut too or else I'll just look off. And then haircuts bring up all the high school pains. All the google searches for "short girl's haircut" that don't fit me well and make me look bad. Why can't I just have a pixie and not look like shit?
I'm ready for it to be tomorrow. I just want to sleep the day away.