20 may 2019
I still don't really feel good. I'm looking forward to getting to post in the "today I feel okay" thread, but I don't know when that's going to happen.
I'm currently sitting in here in the other room, listening to my fiancee talk to her sister. I'm stressing in here because I really want to bring up all this trans stuff again, especially hormones, but the last time I did this, it brought up a bunch of fears she had that I was just using her as a stepping stone. That I would transition, become someone she doesn't know, and then just leave her to be happy with someone else.
I ended up just leaving it at "no, I don't want to do hormones, I just want to be more feminine." The more I think about it, the more I realize "yeah, that was a fucking lie." I've done this guy shit for 23 years, minus about 6-9 months when I was on hormones before getting off of them. That was Freshman year of college, so 4 or 5 years ago now. And I really liked it because it finally felt like I was making any amount of progress at all.
I want to want to take care of myself. In my current state, I just don't really care.
A lot of trans folk worry about how to get hormones. And I was that way too. Until I finally got them and realized that, where I currently am, I can get them easily. And I feel like it's haunted me since then. In the back of my mind "you could, like next week, be taking some pills and be back on the rails again."
There is at least one benefit to all this waiting. I now know that I'm comfortable getting the long term shot, rather than taking pills daily. At the time, I went for what I felt was the "safer" option, because it was new and what if I change my mind? Well, I don't think I will now.
I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I need to talk about it, so I think I will. I just hope it goes better than the last time I did this.