22 may 2019
It's been a hot minute since I've written here. A lot has happened in the last couple of days.
I was feeling pretty bad 2 days ago (I think) which was a Monday. I ended up talking to my fiancee and got a lot off my chest. Long story short, she's on board with me transitioning, but for real this time.
Then yesterday, I made an appointment to talk to my doctor that I worked with 3-4 years ago to get hormones the first time. Luckily, I was able to get an appointment before she left for 2.5 weeks, which is super, super lucky.
The appointment was today. We talked and after 30 minutes, I left with the task of getting some blood work done and picking up a bottle of estradiol.
I'm in a weird state right now. I was thinking about this and I think a self Q&A would be best.
How are you feeling?
I dunno, you know? This is what I've been wanting and longing for for years and now I've got it.
Well that's good right?
Of course! But...
But what?
Well, I don't know. It feels almost unfair in a way. Here I am, getting hella lucky, doing in under an hour what most other trans women struggle to get for years. And I guess I just feel like I don't deserve it.
Ahh, the classic "I'm not trans enough" trope.
Exactly. Like, why do I get to be graced with this? I know plenty of other trans people that deserve it better than me.
If this happened to someone else, you would just be happy for them.
That might be true.
Then be happy for yourself.
I guess. And, I am happy for myself, but maybe just a little melancholic. In an ideal world, I wish everyone were able to get access to the hormones they need to be happy.
I don't really know where to go from here. I want to do more for other people that are hurting. Not necessarily financially (ain't got no money), but maybe I can try to be everyone's cheerleader? But maybe I'll just annoy everyone with that, or it will feel like I'm rubbing it in other's faces, and I don't want that.
My head feels kind of fuzzy/foggy. I seriously doubt it's the estrogen, not yet at least, but maybe it is. It's been about 3 hours since I took one sublingually (I learned that word recently: dissolved under the tongue for faster absoportion, and maybe lesser impact on your kidneys).
Also, I'm bad with date/anniversaries, but I want to make a note here:
2019 May 22 @ 15:30: I started taking 2mg of estradiol daily.
I'm very excited for the future. More than I have been in a while. While I may be a little sad about some aspects, overall I feel great.