23 may 2019
Feeling a little more hopeful today. I think perhaps some of the initial shock is gone now (only some of it, though).
I'm currently sitting at a coffee shop listening to some music. My fiancee is out looking at potential wedding venue spots, so that's exciting.
Took my second E pill this morning. They're weirdly sweet, which I'd never seen referenced before. Almost like candy which I find funny.
I guess I'm feeling a little lonely today. Most of my work lately has been remote (if I even work at all) which means I miss out on a lot of the in-office socializing that I'm used to. At the same time, I feel the need to avoid it right now, lest I make things weird with trans stuff. That seems to be all I think about lately and it's come at the cost of my real work productivity.
Speaking of work, I have so much stuff to do and I'm not really prepared to do it. Maybe it's my insistence to say "I'm not" or "I can't" or otherwise being negative/dismissive about getting it done? I should probably practice some positivity with that.
Next biggest hurdle to overcome is: we have to tell my fiancee's family. This will undoubtedly be a clusterfuck. There's a specific set of questions that people ask when you come out to them about this stuff, and it's never easy. I can't quite articulate what they are, but it's things with no clear answer. Things where the only true answer is "well, I just feel this way." (this answer never suffices, because "why don't you do X" or "I don't know. I just don't understand it"). I'll have to tackle that as it gets closer to time, at least after memorial day weekend.
Only other thing: my city's Pride is June 22nd. Almost feels fitting, really, because that will have been one month after I started hormones. Kind of excited, kind of stressful.
My head's a big jumbled mess right now and it's making keeping a single train of thought going pretty hard.
Damn. I wrote the above around 1 or 2 o'clock. Around 7 o'clock, I felt the most intense need to cry that I've felt in a long time. This is day 2.
I took my second pill this morning around 10 am.
I still feel teary and it's now 10 o'clock and I've had 2 beers.
I'm supposed to go to my fiancee's house for memorial day lunch and dinner and I don't know if I can do it. /what if i cry/
Also, I do think I'll probably end up crying tonight. It just seems inevitable. I've been at the edge of bawling my eyes out for hours now, fighting back tears, doing the heavy breathing and all. And now I'm hope and I feel sad again.
One more thing I want to note: I was really, really cold earlier. Around the time that I wanted to cry and I don't know why. Reverse hot flash? Who knows.