24 may 2019
Today's going to be a day for some live-feel-blogging.
I finally got to bed around 1 am last night. Started feeling anxious and looked at a lot of trans subreddits to try to relax some. Eventually I guess I got tired enough to fall asleep.
I woke up about 15 minutes ago, around 6:30 am. Immediately fell an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread. Fiancee's still asleep, so I just snuggled with my blanket, but that wasn't enough. Now I'm on my computer just trying to calm down.
I don't even know what I'm anxious about (in particular: I know there's a lot to be anxious about though). I also feel like I have tons of energy. I feel like I could go running/exercising (or maybe I feel like I need to do that).
It's now 12 pm. I'm at like a 40% "cry" likelyhood, which I guess is fine.
I did go and work out for a bit and it helped. When I would start thinking too much, I would just turn up the speed and not think about it.
My fiancee didn't get up until around 9:30, so I was kind of lonely for a bit, but I feel better after spending the morning with her. I'm worried that I'm neglecting her during this time, so I should try to make things up to her. She said she doesn't feel neglected, but I could still make her feel special.
I just made it to the office and am just sitting around. Thankfully no one else is here.
Welcome to 5 pm.
I don't feel sad like I did earlier, just tired and a little demotivated.
I've been staring at this computer for hours, wasting time. I could have been out trying to take pictures or something (or anything) but no, I'm just here.
I did go grab some lunch (pop-tarts and nutella pretzels count, right?) earlier with my fiancee.
I just feel like I'm not doing enough. for anyone.
I tried to make a mobile app to keep track of my mood throughout the day at a higher granularity than just "once per day" like most existing apps I found. I got halfway there, loaded it on my phone, and hated it and basically trashed everything. I don't really have an eye for design and it really shows on these kinds of projects.