25 may 2019
Yesterday was fun. I cried and cried at my fiancee for like an hour, late at night. Dysphoria stuff mostly.
And now I feel so much better. Well, not 100% but a lot better than before. I think a lot of like was worrying me was this lunch/dinner/swimming thing at my fiancee's house. We went to it and it was fairly fun, really. I do like her family, I just know that they're a little fickle: they won't hesitate to cut you out (or worse, talk down at you) if you do/are something they don't like.
I think I'm sunburnt so I'll be dealing with that for the next few days. It's interesting: I use to get sunburned all the time (related: I used to go outside all the time), but I haven't been sunburned in a while, and certainly not to the extent that I used to as a child.
Oh, yesterday I also went to the store and bought a bunch of "self-care" (moisturizers, face washes, razors, etc). I'm liking the stuff that I got, but especially a few things. I bought a nice, fairly expensive men's razor for shaving my face and reducing the amount of little cuts that I cause, and it's helped. I also got some sensitive skin shaving cream, which is better than what I had (a menthol-y men's shaving cream). I also now have my own face moisturizer.
I also discovered "trans ASMR" videos on YouTube. They're very comforting because it's just someone softly telling you that everything is going to be okay and just a whole lot of positivity. It made me sad too but in a happy way.
And that brings us to now. I've got a slight headache from being in the water. I probably am dehydrated, so I'll go get some water after this. Now that I don't have to get in a pool for a while, I think I'm going to paint my toes. I've wanted to paint them again for years now and always held it back, and now, fuck it, I'm gonna rock them. Hell, maybe I'll get really inspired and do my fingernails too.
(admittedly, still a little sad so we'll see where that ends up)
Oh one more thing (well, another right after this). We went on a hike with some friends and had a great time. It's nice seeing some of them outside of a work context. It was perhaps a little disappointing in one regard. I was half hoping to come out, but another person ended up going and the opportunity didn't really present itself. Ah well, another time.
Lastly: I should maybe start making an outline for these posts. Sure, they're mostly for me (unless someone else is getting something out of them), but they're always a big jumble of thoughts. But I guess that's just how it goes.