26 may 2019
last night old scars sleep fiancee work family thrift store cooking
Sun May 26 07:44:09 EDT 2019
Last night went alright. We ended up heating up a bunch of leftovers and eating them which was nice. I did feel an underlying sadness but there wasn't really anything I could do about it. I just snuggled and felt better overall.
Before that, I realized I still have some old scars from my experiences in online communities. One community had a guy (mentally unstable) who once PMed me and yelled at me about something. To this day, I started breathing heavy and getting really anxious over a simple PM. It also is hard for me to understand/accept/deal with the idea of someone being angry or annoyed at me, even not in a PM. That happened yesterday, due in no part to someone being malicious. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was benign, but it still got to me and I needed to take a break and reset.
I have a friend who tackles problems like that directly. If he's upset by something someone says, he'll let you know. I don't really work that way, which in some ways doesn't really help me. I'm very non-confrontational so I'll take whichever approach means that I don't bother anyone, often at my own expense.
Related to all this is that I've left communities in the past because of this and have a hard time connecting with new communities. It was really hard joining this one and I like it, so I don't want to leave. But anytime something like this happens, it makes me want to just discard everything and run away. But I won't.
I slept well though I don't remember falling asleep. I clearly just passed out because I didn't charge my phone, turn on my fan, or any of my normal "ready to sleep" routine.
My fiancee has to put in a lot of work today, from noon-9 potentially or noon-7 a little more realistically.
While she's doing that, I'm going to go see my family before they go on a vacation. Haven't seen them in a while and, well, a lot has changed in the last week. No idea if I'll go through with telling them I'm back on hormones. Not because they'd take it bad (I've done this all before) but I guess because it gives some finality to what I'm doing? Until now, it's just been me, fiancee, and peeps on the internet, but once someone else knows then there will be questions, checking in, etc. They mean well, I know, and they're all very supportive about it all, so it's nothing to do with them, but more so with myself.
I think after I leave my family's house, I might go thrift shopping. I want some more clothes than the few that I currently have, but I also don't want to spend so much on expensive clothes, especially when the used ones are just as good and maybe better (I mean, they've lasted long enough to be donated). The thing is, I don't know what clothes I'd even want? Like, what is fashion, because I surely don't know.
Then to round off the night, I think I'm going to try cooking some onion tanglers. A local BBQ place has them and they're basically small strips of onion, battered, and fried and they're delicious. I'm not very good at frying foods, so I might try a batch before my fiancee gets off work.
Overall, I'm optimistic about today. I think it's gonna be good.