28 may 2019
last night family irc vs feels game night wedding
Tue May 28 15:19:44 EDT 2019
Last night was interesting, though not necessarily in a good way. I had been feeling kind of bad all day and it all compounded in the evening. I wasn't feeling very desirable or attractive, and when I wanted to spend some time in bed with my fiancee, she declined which made me feel worse. Then later she wanted to get in bed with me, but I started feeling so down on myself that I needed to just lie down alone.
I eventually came back after reassuring myself that everything's okay and that I should go back to make her happy, but the damage had already been done and then she felt almost the same way that I did. That culminated in her not wanting to sleep in the bed together and camping out on the couch in the living room.
I finally coaxed her to come back and we talked about how we were both feeling and got a lot of things out in the open. I think we both feel a lot better now and we are going to each try to be more forthcoming with how we're feeling and not just default to the "I'm fine" response.
I think we're good now.
My mom called this morning. She had heard from my dad (indirectly through my brother) that we were aiming for our wedding this year instead of next. In all the chaos of the last week, I just forgot to tell her and I think it made her sad. I didn't really explain much about it except that we were busy the last two weeks and that nothing is set in stone.
I guess I want to cement a particular idea in writing. I have a lot of things on my mind all the time, and I very often am lost in a fake dialogue about "well if I said this, then they'd say that" that really doesn't see an end. Then when I'm talking to others, I tend to just talk a lot because it's better than thinking through conversations in my head.
From the aforementioned anxiety about talking online, I also am worried that I take over conversations too much and so I end up keeping a lot to myself. That's where this feels log comes in: it's a way for me to talk as much as I want and not feel like I'm dominating the conversation. The whole difference between a pull-based medium (feels) vs push based (irc). It definitely helps to get a lot of this out, just to free up space in my head.
Tonight we're probably going to host a game night. I made an awesome pasta sauce today (what I've been making, but I added some pinot grigio to it and it really made it great) that I want to make for everyone. A friend is back in town and wnated to hang out which I think will be good fun. It does mean I need to put away a lot of my femme stuff because it's not really the time or place to bring all that up, but I'm okay with that.
I also wanted to write my thoughts on some wedding stuff down. My fiancee and I plan to get married October 9th of this year (Get it? 10/9/2019, 10+9=19). She really wants a nice traditional wedding where we don't have to worry about her family. Note: not an expensive wedding, just a "normal" one. This means I'll be in a tuxedo and all that. I don't think that it will bother me, but it's one reason that we're aiming to have the wedding this year instead of next: at some point, I probably won't feel comfortable in a tux. Right now though, I am, and I want to make her happy and not change the future picture of our wedding that she's been holding onto for years.
She is (and to a lesser extent, I am) not very good with change which is understandable, so if this is something that makes her happy, it's what we'll do.