02 june 2019
panic attack nashville trip dysphoria
Sun Jun 2 09:54:24 EDT 2019
Skipped a day because of a trip, but more on that in a moment.
2 days ago, we had my fiancee's sister over to just hang out and play games. For the most part, I had fun and all, but when we ended up driving somewhere to get food (and for me to run by my parent's house to take care of the dogs while they're away), I started feeling really bad.
I later found that it was probably a panic attack. I don't think I've had one of those, at least not for several years. It started with my arms aching and tingling while driving, which I figured was due to how I was holding the wheel. Then I think the real panic started when I was trying to figure out if I was dying or not; if the estrogen was causing some heart issue that was making my right arm hurt. I also started having trouble breathing and, in hindsight, absolutely was having a panic attack.
We made it to the restaurant and ate and I started feeling a little better, but still felt off. We had to run to Walmart and get some things and my fiancee and her sister left me to go look at clothes or something. I think that made it a little worse again because, in my mind, I wanted to go look at clothes too-- if I wasn't feeling like I was --and since they wanted to go without me, then clearly it was because I don't belong there looking at clothes. Sure, not rational, but then I wasn't feeling rational at the time either.
When I finally got checked out and really feeling bad, I went to go find them so we could just leave and get out of the store, but we ran into some old friends are started talking to them and everything had to be put on hold for 15-20 minutes with me trying to pretend that everything was okay.
We finally left, went to my parent's house, did everything there, and then got back on the interstate. The drive back was miserable and somehow got worse with every passing minute. Once we got back, I just sat and sulked in the bedroom for an hour just staring at Reddit and trying not to think too much.
I think I only started feeling better when everyone went to bed and I got to just lie down and be held.
Yesterday, I went on a day trip to Nashville, TN (about a 3 hour drive) with a good friend. It was actually a lot of fun: we got to eat some nice ramen at a local restaurant, get some good beer, and just walk around. We also talked a whole lot (my voice is just a little gone today) and listen to some good music. We talked about everything from work to politics, music, and gender. I had come out to him years ago, but the trip also served to say "hey, I'm on hormones again" and was good to talk about.
Then after the trip, I started getting really bad dysphoria. Something about the combination of: being in the car for 7+ hours, being kind of hungry, and having my fiancee and her sister trying to buy me a "coming out" present (cute pajamas) really triggered it. I think I was still feeling a little off from the panic attack night, which didn't help matters. A piece of me still feels (and probably will for a long time) that I don't belong in women's clothes, that I don't look good in them, etc. One reason them buying me clothes has me worried is that I had gone through the whole "buy a warddrobe from online" thing years ago and they only made me feel worse. When the clothes don't fit really well, it just encourages me to put myself down and feel worse. (as I write this, I'm wearing a shirt I bought that is really tight and also doesn't feel good; it might be one of the first ones to get donated).
I have trouble talking about dysphoria out loud, I've noticed. It's taken a long time to be comfortable using trans words out loud and I'm still only kind of comfortable with them. "diss-for-ee-uh" is just a hard word, not necessarily to pronounce, but certainly to explain. How do you explain to someone that you feel, not just ugly, but a much deeper version of ugly? A deeper version of "not feeling right" or "feeling immense discomfort thinking about my body"? Especially when those don't even scratch the surface.
There's a Pride Picnic in my town today that I want to go to but I think I might chicken or bail out on. There's an outfit that I'd want to wear, but I don't feel very comfortable in it, at least not for going outside. Staying inside, sure, super comfortable. But going outside, well, I have to worry about the fact that I'm not good at tucking, and probably won't be until the hormones have a bigger effect on me.
Maybe I can get my gay friend to go too and that'll encourage me to go still. Even if I don't do it for myself, I can do it for him.