20 june 2019
Been a little bit since I've written one of these feels entries. Guess I've been pretty busy.
I went to my doctor yesterday as a 1 month checkup on hormones. Everything's going well. I had the option of bumping up my dosage but I decided that, if I'm feeling better right now, there's no need to increase it in the hopes of feeling happier. I might as well save the dosage increases for when I'm feeling down about the process. And besides, it gives me more time to really come to terms with all this.
I've been feeling a little down the past week. There's still a lot of questioning on my part. The usual "am I trans enough" or "am I a girl or am I non-binary" and more. I've also been giving more thought to going by a different name. Since no one liked my previous chosen name (Catherine), then I figured I would repurpose my current name. My middle name is Christian, so I was thinking "Kristen" would be a good fit, but that idea got shot down by my fiancee though not for a good reason, I feel. I wonder if there's more going on with why she doesn't like it.
Regardless, my current name is fine and pretty gender-neutral, so I'll just stick with it.
Work has been, not really busy, but unsatisfying. I want to work on something else because I'm tired of this project, but I really should just see it through. I keep having to remind myself that "a little bit of work now could mean more publications (and graduation) later" and that it's okay if I hate the work for 2 weeks because then I don't have to think about it for a long time. It doesn't exactly help though.
I shaved last night and have now achieved the s m o o t h. I felt pretty good about it and had some genuine gender euphoria which has been a long time coming. I even liked the way I looked with my breast forms/padding.
I want to go get a haircut but I don't know what to get. My fiancee got hers cut short and I really love it. I also want to be a little careful that I don't just get her haircut because I'm sure we'd get comments from her parents about it.
I guess that's about it, really.