08 november 2021
i think i would like to create something for the zine. maybe a little poem. or something, you know? maybe i can submit this project i have for my advanced painting class for it. i don't know if physical art is something to include but it's going to be a marionnette collapsing under its own weight on a big drawing clipboard, with papers and drawings and such comprising it. maybe i'll just create some sort of poem, though. i think i could start poem composing on some odd place in my homepage? i really would like to learn how to get fancy with css. or just learn how to do anything in css at all i guess. it's funny, because when i put work into my little home here in town i anticipate being very proud of it, wanting to show it off, and yet i want to stay anonymous, i don't really want people i know in real life to connect it to me because i want to put stuff here that i wouldn't want people seeing in real life. the paradox of validation and anonymity or whatever.
i need to think about what i want to talk about in therapy pretty soon, i have therapy in an hour. the thing is, it's so hard for me to have any memory of what the week was like in between last therapy session and now. it's really tough to think about. what happened tuesday? monday night? i have a little bit of an obsession with documenting, journalling, at least when i can get around to it. i have these journals from 14, 15 years old at least, and i wrote down every story i could. along with my old sketchbooks those things are my prized possessions. proof that i've been real, that i've continually existed. i would have forgotten so much completely if i didn't write it down. it's sad to think of how much i've already forgotten. i really like to record daily things when i have the time and energy to. i need to get a new daily journal, i filled my last one, and i want to start again.
i think back to like. friday night. i saw that movie, i got into tilde.town for the first time. i got terribly triggered by a lot in v for vendetta. i wish i would have left the room instead of only turning around in my chair. i've proven to myself yet again that i find so much difficulty in actually leaving an area if i am triggered. it's fucking difficult.
speaking of, i'm in a weird little situation, i suppose? (i also suppose i should start using the private/buried feels function more often - this sort of publicness is new to me, and i like it for several reasons, but sometimes i just need to be fully candid with myself, to myself, to future versions of myself)
so like. there is this person. and i half have a crush and i half don't. it's like, i definitely feel something, and yet my mind is fighting these emotions, and also delegitimizing them. i can't fucking tell what i want. it's very frustrating. i like this person a lot, they are very sweet, i am in No place of mind or stability or knowledge of myself to try to be intimate with someone but... ugh. but i still want it? maybe? maybe i don't? i feel so fickle. it's difficult. every part of existing is difficult for me!
i barely feel like a real person. i know i'm not cohesive. i am trying so very hard to know myself, exist as myself, and yet everything in my past is haunting and i don't know how to cope with it being real. i don't. i will admit that i do not know how to cope with what happened to me being real. maybe that is the first time i have admitted this.
i know i am in a liminal space. i am at the intersection of so many complexities of my specific youth and development. i don't know how to do anything but focus on myself. my specific circumstances are so... so very much, that i find it so difficult to connect with people. seriously. day in and day out i feel so very alienated. this isn't even a "oh nobody knows how i feel" thing, this refers to a specific lived experience that is incredibly rare.
and it's terrible and it's horrible and i'm so tired. i'm tired, i am tired, i am tired.
time to go to therapy. for whatever future version of me is reading this, november has been a bit better, still stressful, still so early, i still feel very lost.