09 november 2021
Wow. Okay, wow. Wowie. Okay.
I am a little bit way too fucking gay. Agh. This is in reference to the same person I was talking about in the last entrance.
I actually managed to talk about this in therapy, about how part of me is split, how some stuff makes it hard to trust others but how safe this person makes me feel. and we admitted that i made a decision that was a bit too fast for my own comfort, and that i have a tendency to stay in scenarios where i think i "should" be comfortable but i'm not really. like, i'm reluctant to leave situations where i want to stay but something triggered trauma or discomfort or something.
but oh wow. oh boy. this person has me feeling some type of way.
it's like, i really, really, really wish that i could let things work, i guess? i completely understand the things in my past that contribute to the inherent discomfort i feel around any type of intimacy, even imagined/prospective intimacy. and i know that the biggest thing for anything is time and trust and familiarity.
even though this stuff is difficult for me i'm really enjoying all this initial excitement and uncertainty. i've forgotten what it feels like to feel excited, to feel unsure, it's a lot of fun, and it's quite a bit scary, and i feel like that's all part of it.
it's nearly comical how down bad i am. it's also wonderful that the many coincidences that plague and comprise my life have arranged in nice ways in this situation.
ah, i would want to talk about my coincidences one day, but i don't think that i would really be able to put into words the way that my lived experience includes these things. suffice it to say that my pattern recognition centers are maxed out usually, and i find a lot of meaning in coincidences. that's like the whole thing of reading tarot, anyway, isn't it? that principle that things like cards can be aligned in a deck on coincidence to what you're reading for, by some sort of situation.
(it's the morning of november 10th now, I forgot to save last night, i wonder if this will still save under the ninth? i suppose i'll start a new entry now)