11 november 2021
i am sitting in my linguistics class for the time being. i have been on town for the entire time, which is alright!!! it's totally fine. we're going over stuff that will hopefully help with final research project stuff but I already know what i'm going to do. there's this little area on my trackpad where the matte area sticker is ripped a bit and it looks all shiny, it's like a little triangle where my thumb usually is. i hope that i can replace my laptop before my junior year starts. this is an old one, and it's the first one i ever bought with my own money, and i got it because the specs said i could play sims 4 on it (and also the 1tb storage space was an upside cause i was used to fucking struggling with my tiny gifted 32 gb laptop -- seriously, i don't think i'm misremembering, it was fuckin miniscule and never ever had enough space for anything) and i dropped it enough that both corners are all chipped away in the back near where the hinge is. so hopefully in a year i will get myself a new laptop. when the time comes i know just the community i will be asking for advice :) this laptop is really frustrating though. half the time, when the screen times out, the monitor just absolutely will not come back on, no matter what keys i press or if i click or anything, it just stops sensing anything. maybe dropping it so much made the sensor that sees if the lid is open or not in that case stop working. who knows. the "acer power button" "app" has also popped up like twice with a black windowed screen and weirded me out for a couple seconds and i got no clue what that's all about.
i genuinely need to give myself time and space to mourn old friendships. i realize that that thing i mentioned at the end of my old feels entry... no, i wouldn't want them to come across this place. not only because it wouldn't change anything, but because i miss who i was and who they were in the past. and i acknowledge that change that has happened since is permanent. and i don't even think that i would want a friendship with them again if they came back and offered. i don't think i would have the strength or self assuredness to decline. but for whatever reasons i don't think it would be for the best or help either of us. i'm balancing out my endless nostalgia with some grounded memories of how difficult those relationships even were in the first place. i'm prone to thinking, oh, i messed this up, and if i just hadn't done that we would still be friends and that would be a good thing and mutually beneficial. but lately it's been a goal (that i'm getting better at) to acknowledge that there were mutual issues and ways that i got hurt even back in the day, even in the times that i find myself missing so dearly now. giving myself time to properly mourn those friendships in journal entries to myself will help me a lot. we can miss messy things so dearly.
i woke up before 9 am today and spent fuckin 4 hours or so being gay as hell and fantasizing about being in a relationship with this crush that i've mentioned here before. it's fascinating how good i am at lying in bed and thinking about things. it's like... official pretty much now that i actually do have a crush lmaoooooo. i really like the uncertainty right now. it's so exciting. and distracting! and nice. and wowie fucking zowie leather jackets look so good on some people. i'm like. so scared that my fickleness and weird emotions will somehow mess this up. I Just Want Something Nice and Stable Thanks. but i give myself forgiveness if it does happen cause i recognize how fragile i am. anyway. class is over, i'm outty, might?? write more later??? peaceeeee
i got invited to dinner by someone but i didn't see it until 45 minutes after :( if i'm being honest, i get the impression she's interested in me? she's very nice and honestly it's mad weird remembering i have romantic options (although i am not Sure of the viability it is just a bit of a Feeling) (also there is this friend back home that i low key flirt with and i was honestly hoping to get closer to over break) (making choices is hard!!! but honestly i really would prefer to just be exclusive with the person i've been talking about earlier if we do get to that point)
anyway. Anyway! i wish i had the motivation to go to the dining hall and eat and then go work on my painting a bit cause i need to do that tonight. but my lab report isn't finished and it's so hard for me to Switch Tasks and leave that unfinished. but i need to eat!!! what a conundrum. the dining hall only stays open another hour :/