17 november 2021
here i am, three days later. how's today going? it's a wednesday. i'm very aware of the work that i am weighed under but I'm done with academics after tomorrow at like 2:15 pm - then it's just my job that I continue to work over the week break for thanksgiving, but that's really not too bad. Forgot to put sugar in my second cup of coffee :// Also I have this issue with my right shoulder that I got from kayaking several miles with bad form and it's still acting up even a month later. Some sort of pulled muscle.
I'm feeling good on a wednesday.
I've learned a lot about my own boundaries and what I can be comfortable with or not. A fair amount of it is trial and error, I really don't know how to do it any other way -- I suppose the best thing to do would be to listen in and think ahead but it mostly ends up being trial and error anyway. Which can be difficult. Introduces new challenges. But at least I have several things better defined now.
I like this person a lot. I'm still terrified. So many parts of me are scared of so many different things. I don't want to hurt her -- she did manage to assuage my fears on that, she told me I didn't have to worry, that whatever happens in the future is okay and won't sour how nice things are/were right now. I'm scared of a lot of things for a lot of different reasons. I gotta communicate expectations better and ask for that in return as well.
I'm about to go to a lab class so like, I'll actually have to be active in it, I won't be able to just dick around on town. I booked my flight home for winter break. I'm so excited that it really will work out. The last time I was there was August 2020. Homesick bad. Need my best friend. It's so close now, I can't believe it.
I don't want to take these things that are good right now for granted because holy shit everything has Been terrible for all the year previous, and I was in denial hard about everything, and even as far back as the pandemic starting I've been in the hardest, most turbulent part of life. Well, that's not entirely true. I always percieved the year I was living in as one of the hardest years of my life to endure just through the various consequences of being under 18 and what aging out of that would improve, and then the pandemic started as I turned 18 and everything got worse in new and innovative ways. Except for 2019, that year was pretty great. My point is, things are starting to get better now and that is a glimmer of hope that has been hidden from me for a very, very long time. I almost don't even know how to handle it. It's not just because the new relationship thing, although having somebody who cares about me so much and is so vocal about it is really really nice. We told our friend about her, she told some of our mutual friends about us. And I really do smile when I think about her, she does make me happy. It's hard to reconcile this with all the fear and issues that create discomfort. But my point was that this situation, life is objectively the best right now that it has been in a long time. I have this whole like, intuitive framework, you know? And all my intuition was telling me that this year would be so so difficult to live through and it has been, it absolutely has been, but the huge theme, tagline, whatever, was that things get worse before they get better.
Things get worse before they get better. But it's key to remember that they DO get better, and there are reasons that things got worse, and things that made everything worse are directly contributing to what is better now. Every part of the experience of living this year has been essential. my laptop is about to die, i'll make another entry later