15 december 2021
Wow, borderline personality disorder sure can disorder.
I'm an absolute emotional mess today. I've got a good smoothie swirl of guilt, fear of abandonment, attachment issues, sorrow, anxiety, and empty. Fuck, man. It's terrible cause I can see the maladaptive shit and thoughts going on and I can see the consequences they would have if I acted on them, and the biggest thing is that if I did something I knew was fucked up or Displaying Symptoms it would make me feel worse and out of control. Especially if it affected others.
Terrified, terrified of being a bad partner to my girlfriend. I know we're both just regular humans and imperfect and shaped, and me especially as I'm struggling with so, so much, and she's learning how to support me, and I'm learning how to treat her right, and everything. At least I know I care. She cares so much, too.
But god, I want to cry right now. Emotional drop and plummet, I had a nice nice night last night, really good vibes.
Tonight I have to finish an abstract self portrait (my teacher isnt a fan so far) and tomorrow at 5 I have a paper due that I'm nearly done with. My partner leaves tomorrow morning and I won't see her until 18 Janvier, probablement. She needs space and to pack tonight so I won't be seeing her.
I think it is absolutely fucking broken that YouTube doesn't have a way to limit or filter keywords or provide some sort of warning like Tumblr does before showing specific videos. Even something like a "may contain: [blocked word]" by checking the autogenerated captions or even just checking the title and description. Especially for shit like spoilers that just get pushed to the front of the algorhythm! It's not about spoilers, though, it's about triggers that I have no fucking way of knowing are there until they pop up in a video. I want to code a browser addon or something that would actually fix that, I just don't fuckin know how to code.
Been in town for over a month. Full moon coming up again. I'm glad I'm here.
in final presentations for linguistics, teacher asked us to be attentive. but i have adhd and im sad give me a break
in any case, i'll head out. more days will come. surely