25 january 2022
I am having a terrible time in class right now and i really do need this writing to distract me. Fucking - I could not get 10 minutes into class without, fucking randomly, for the second day in a row (different classes), getting one of my worst and most salient fucking awful triggers brought up without me having any mental preparation in the slightest. This time i did what I owed to myself and actually walked out of class to have my PTSD episode. Cried. Came back to class.
Yknow what sucks? What's coming to mind now is this one guy who was on IRC here who started talking about like.... having a disdain for people who post negative things on feels? Like they want attention but nobody else is gonna fix it. I'm actually not surprised that person ended up having a lasting effect that comes up now to make me self conscious. I don't think that attitude is conduscive to town's whole mission of emmpathy, and regardless I shouldn't even have to defend myself in this paragraph.
Anyway. This is hard. I'm glad I finally had the strength to walk out. I have to talk to my teachers about my accommadations/etc and hopefully that'll go well, I think it will.
Me and my friends are going to have a powerpoint night this weekend. I still have to think about what goofy thing is gonna be my topic. Maybe I'll end up posting the final thing on my tilde page, maybe I won't.
Writing has helped me self regulate a bit but I still want these next 40 minutes to pass by quick. I feel sick. Quite literally nauseous. I haven't eaten today but this stuff made me feel sick.
I have my first class in intro to video today. I really do look forward to video production in general, I hope I'll make stuff I'm proud to put up here.
I'm very tired of performing optimism. I have this - this habit, I guess? This desire to take responsibility for other's emotions, trying to not let them down, trying to at least make them believe I'm okay and I feel hopeful. It changes how I see everything and it's not always healthy. Its very hard for me to break this habit. I have to learn to let myself get angrier about things, about what happened to me, I've dimmed that anger for too long and it'll likely come out in more maladaptive ways. I'm not okay, I'm not confident about my long term prospects for being okay, nobody should expect me to be okay. I can't expect myself to be okay.
I'm gonna head off. I just have to be how I am, uncensored. Let go of control and scrutiny.