08 june 2022
took the main feels link off my index but it might be linked elsewhere in the site
i don't care i just needed it a smidge more private
i'm trying to get out of this fucking dorm and drop out of college and i'm also dealing with ridiculous pain and lack of mobility from my fucking disability complications that i don't know enough about
trying to fucking do anything but i am disabled and i fucking need help
And then i heard my suitemates (single room but small suite) fucking talking (all able bodied, all people i haven't really been able to hang out with and see because of being fucking miserable) and one of them said "there's disability and then there's disability" and something about... you know i don't fucking know or care, it was something about me being hard to live around i think, and this girl was trying to fucking say that "theres disability and then disability" like she knows a single fucking thing about any part of my body.
yeah i might not be fucking amputated but i am in so much terrible fucking pain that when i tried to walk outside without a mobility aid my right leg went numb 5 minutes in
i smoke weed to deal. i cannot leave my room because of how much fucking pain im in. it defeats any point. i am fucking miserable i am in so much chronic pain and i don't know how the fuck i'm going to survive my imminent airport trip much less packing. i know the smell sucks for people. im trying to leave as soon as i fucking can.
fuck them for not talking to me directly ever about anything and then gettting pissy and ableist and trying to act like they have ANY place to decide what is or isn't fucking disabled enough to earn their fucking pity
if they have a problem and expect me to change they need to be fucking adults and confront me and we can have a conversation
like it really wouldn't be that hard i'm just so fucking mad about people talking shit about me while i overhear it.
the only reason i think i'm even letting myself be angry is because i'm going through another major PTSD episode and have better access to self righteous emotions because im fucking furious at everything that has happened to me. it is HARD.
fuck them.