12 june 2022
Well.
I happen to have MANY thoughts feelings ideas and opinions this sunday. The typing is slow cause the SSH connection must be slow cause i'm in a garage.
I'm back in my home state for the first time since late 2017. I was homesick all 2018 especially when shit was so rough in the first half of the year. Fucking sad, clinging to hope for better things elsewhere and for somehow better things at home.
I've not yet been in this state for 3 consecutive nights since 2017. I'm spending my second night home tonight.
My whole thing that I was happy about when I left this place back then was that I was getting away from my abusive mom. I did. And I proved that I'm good about setting boundaries even when she's shit at respecting them. Stuff like just ending the conversation when it goes somewhere I've told her not to take it.
Well, my whole thing coming back was that I was planning to stay with my aunt, her sister. And her husband, and my other aunt and uncle are on the property too. My aunt is a full time caretaker, they've been hospitible, I've appreciated being able to visit. She made it clear that this was not going to be permanent, and after being here in person, I'm determined that it won't be permanent. To be honest, she's my mother's sister. They're very alike. And it's put me in the same PTSD situation, feeling like a vulnerable kid walking on thin ice. I don't fucking want that. My friends never made me feel that way.