14 june 2022
I think I just gotta keep seeing people that aren't related to me by blood.
That'll make things better for me, in terms of feeling like myself again. I always felt the most me when I was around my friends. My family all have a certain image of me in their head, and they all project on me in different ways. They all still call me my birthname even though I'm trans.
I'm enjoying the time with them and I'm enjoying getting to know them as an adult, for sure. I just don't want to live with them. It's been made abundantly clear to me that my aunt does not want me staying here more than a handful of weeks.
It's weird cause like, I've been figuring out my own life, my own situation, taking care of myself and making my own decisions and doing everything on my own, from applying to schools to taking care of as much of the technicalities as I can. My family has never been people that I have been able to rely on (prior to this specific visit) and yet they are eager eager eager to comment on my business and worry about me and tell me what they think I should or shouldn't do and what I should or shouldn't prioritize in life. If any of them had actually provided any material help to me in any of the processes or traumatic situations or tough bureacracies I've been forced to navigate on my own in the past, maybe their opinion would hold some weight. It doesn't.
Saw my mom today. It was a nice day. She projects on me too, and she gives advice based on her perspective and her biases in wanting to keep me in this state and dependent on her. I realized that both my aunt and my mom give advice based on what they want and what they project onto me, not from a place of actually knowing me, my interests, my strengths, my capabilities, or my actual weaknesses.
Anyway, a doctor's appointment materialized for me! Happens to be in the state I left though. Even though I came to this state to get medical treatment. Well, I was finding out today that that would be more complicated than I thought. Still going to make phone calls around here but I would love to treat this place as a temporary summer stay, and not a permanent housing situation. I'm prioritizing medical care either way though. But the doctor's appointment is with a specialist, and if I started care in this state, step one would be to get insurance in this state, and /then/ go to a primary care provider and /maybe/ get a referral, so I really don't want to jeapordize what I might be able to get in a different state by setting myself back here. I'll be able to travel back up there, it'll be okay.
I'll literally be okay. I'm tired of people trying to tell me I won't be okay. I know what I'm doing. I know myself and I love myself.
Wouldn't have ever been this confident or self assured the last time I was here. Proud of my own growth :)