15 june 2022
i think i figured out something about why i don't like the living situation - I don't trust the family I'm living with, on a fundamental level. there's too much baggage, too many stories, too many issues. drama and all my family hates each other and talks shit about it. the ones i live with and the ones i used to live with and all the PTSD i was trying to escape here and all the pessimism and negativity that i do not fucking wanna live around! they treat me like a burden. they keep talking about me in ways that paint me as a burden, and fuck that. i'm tired of that.
good news is i'll only be here a month. and i'll see so many wonderful people. i just haven't really gotten the chance to start seeing them yet, but this weekend will really kick that off. it'll make every bit worth it, i know it will.
i just gotta give things a chance to get better and change and improve. and i'm really seeing how much I've grown as a person, which is nice. it feels very weird being back in a place i only associate with childhood. i'll be glad to make new associations though.
really i think that this whole thing is baby steps. i've only spent four nights here. and when i left, i wished so so very hard to come back, to see the people i missed. and it's been a very baby steps experience to see how that wish has come true in different ways. the first time (six months after i left) i had a chance encounter here during one of the most traumatic events of my life. like in terms of wishes being granted it was in the most strict sense of it, and it was good for what it was but it was still during a traumatic event. well, a year later, i got a more complete version of that wish, i got a weekend here by chance. and i saw some people! and it was good! and i was so glad it happened. it was still too short of a visit for my taste but it was good. and it was like another baby step.
then obviously the pandemic happened and i had a whole two year finding myself hullabaloo and obviously didn't return, but this time i'm here for a month. it's a better situation than living with my mom but it's not a good living situation because my PTSD is still triggered bad. it's okay but it's just tense enough for me to be uncomfortable. but it's another baby step. honestly, having a house and food is great for me, and a place to stay for a month is great, and i'm glad that this gets to be a longer visit than i've had before. and! i'm choosing to be optimistic, i genuinely believe that after i leave this time, when i come back it'll be even better for me somehow. i don't think that this is my last time visiting here.
so let me be clear with myself about what i want when i visit this place: i want to stay with a friend. either a friend whose family is nice and healthy or a friend who lives on their own or with a roommate. i want to feel like i'm appreciated as a guest. i want to feel free to leave at any time, i want to have good boundaries and communication, i want to stay for a while and then leave once i've had my fill of time and visits here.
healthy environment healthy people good vibes.
its the 15th of june in 2022. what a day. what an odd odd little day to be around, 15th of june, 2022. i could never have predicted that i'd be where i am now. it's nice seeing life happen and i'm feeling alright :)