30 august 2022
aurgh.
i miss testosterone.
that's definitely not like the first thing on my mind tonight but its the easiest to say. i miss testosterone. i don't like how hard we retransitioned. i wanna oscillate. i miss my transmasc swag.
my wrist hurts. just like every joint in here fucking hurts here and there. god this whole disability thing has gotten fucking tough, been tough.
i might even have just continued journalling in my book if my wrist didnt hurt so bad. but im low on pages in the journal, and i finished my thought overall i think, and... idk. i still haven't figured out what i'm totally comfortable sharing here? knowing that people, like, Read This. i haven't been on town allllll that much lately.
i, uh. i feel like shit but that's probably largely attributed to a) emotional processing that was going on tonight and b) its like 11 at night for me.
it is really a lot to give up on something that i was really confident in for so long. even when i have doubts on whether ive completely given up yet. as a whole though i think its for the best. and i do mean that. weighing everything, i do think logically its the best direction even though my heart is entirely torn apart.
i feel taken care of, i /am/ taken care of and safe and loved here. and honestly its absolutely what i need right now.
i am a whole soup of emotions, honestly. the feeling of being somewhere in a new beginning, the feeling of trying to float back down to earth, the feeling of loneliness and isolation, to an extent, and also ridiculous optimism that is very hard to maintain.
i'm okay, though. even this emotional wave ride isn't drowning me as much as i remember it doing in the past. i have a better raft
i am loved and i am okay. and i'm not really alone, either