21 january 2023
i DID IT
I DID IT
I did it!!!! I have done so much but I have Especially done It.
this is a triumph !!!!!!!!
So. I am speaking of coming to peace with a situation that has been on my mind for basically my entire adolescence, since the very very very beginning of high school. I went through the entire experience and now I am finally at peace and life is so much more than what that was.
I was even talking about this as early as the first start of my tilde.town. My whole spiel on "friends and friends and a fixation" and a hug that was far too tight. Like damn I been going through it. Beeeeen going through it. What an emotional state. It wasn't even -- like it was less than a year since the friendship ended at that point, it was really recent at that point honestly. So I begrudge nothing of myself for going through those emotions and riding them the whole way through. Nothing was wrong with the pace at all. It felt like it would be forever when I was caught in the middle of it, but now that I'm past it (two years, almost, since the friendship ended) I realize hey, wow, that pace was extremely reasonable.
And it feels so so so good to have put it to rest. Like, yes, I am burying my first love. I gave it a eulogy and everything, it was a whole process. I really did it, though. I believed in myself and I got here, and I feel so free, and I feel like I have my wings. And my clarity. I'm so proud of every part of myself, of every time of myself. And I'm so happy to be here where I am.
I've lied to myself very often about this situation but for once I feel like I'm not lying to myself, finally I feel like I'm not lying to myself when I say I have peace. I tend to be a perfectionist with my emotions (virgo moon virgo moon) so like it's hard to accept that it's okay that some things feel a little prickly but overall this is insane progress and I really do have peace. It's now peace with prickles orbiting, not prickles with peace occasionally glimpsing in. It's a much better balance, and I feel happy about how things have gone for me. And like... the joy was real in its own time. Nothing erases what was real. I get a new beginning, now, though. And I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean I really cannot overstate what a milestone I'm at. It's so fucking huge for me, it's beautiful.
I don't feel the need to shrink or hide any part of me. I feel huge. I feel expansive. It's a process to learn to expand myself and be radiantly me and I'm enjoying the process and I love where I'm at.
FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so so so proud of myself. I'm so happy. I am so READY for this YEAR!!!!!!!
I'm also going to be having a stellar time with all my creative irons in the fire!!
I'm feeling fucking fantastic honestly. I feel in my element. I am so very myself.
Anyway. I'm happy and proud of myself. Talk more soon!