08 february 2023
last night i was in the bathroom and when i walked out my dad was holding the cat up aiming him at me and it took me by surprise!! it was really funny. he said that he had to stand there holding the cat for more than a minute and he was afraid the cat was gonna get mad at him
it's a really funny mental image and it was a hell of a surprise i loved it
i'm realizing more and more about astrology the more that i study and live and such, especially about my north node. my north node is in my fourth house and it's very much about learning to connect with others and listen to them and also set down roots in a community and have family around me. basically, because i've felt so estranged from family in the past, it requires effort for me to connect with them but it is very rewarding to put that effort in. it's important for me to feel connected to my family. so, although i've been feeling frustrated about where i'm at/waiting for it to be over, i've also tried to have a sense of gratitude for where i'm at, and really lean into the gratitude and letting myself be right here, right now. and it's not difficult per se but it does take some amount of effort, but it's nice. i need this, i'm right where i need to be. i don't need to wait till i'm 40 to actually work on this stuff, it matters right here right now.
it continues to be rewarding, emotionally
i'm also continuing to look at my own emotions and i'm really staring them down. i've had to refigure my emotional strategies with myself, i can't think my emotions into the form i want them to be. that's not what actually works. every time i'm scared of my emotions, it's a lesson, it's an invitation to look at the feeling and see what happens when i embrace the fact that it's there. and recognizing the emotions when they're there teaches me a handful of things; one, that no, nothing is disastrous about the emotions I feel nor about recognizing the emotions I feel, they are simply emotions. two, that accepting they are there and taking them for what they are is what actually encourages their fluid motion and change. rather than repressing them and expecting something new to take their place, accepting that they're there allows them to naturally flow or stay. but it's all about accepting what Is There, not about forcing or trying to control them, even when i Want my emotions to be a certain way. accepting what is there that i'm scared of opens the door for new emotions too.
anyway. my priority is me! also i have the feeling that there's a lot of connections and realizations on the other side of this process, and that i'm doing a really good job closing some stuff out. but like... just because I know that there's deeper reasons going on and just because i can almost realize it doesn't mean that it's the right time for me to draw those conclusions. it's actually super duper the wrong time to tackle a lot of stuff so I just gotta let time keep going and know that i will get to it at some point, for sure.
i don't have to endlessly tug at every string. there will always be more loose ends. i'm walking the hell away, walking towards myself and my art and my confidence and every new thing ahead of me. my pace is fine! i'm doing more than fine, i'm coming so far so fast, honestly.