17 september 2023
a fresh fresh return to tilde.town. a restarted tmux (thanks lag) and no more tabs open and tilde.town is mine to do what i would like on it! a big old start from scratch after a long hiatus.
so to get really personal i threw out my sweet laptop i had had since 2019 in a suicide attempt early june. i did keep a backup so i have pictures and files and stuff like that. the stickered laptop back is irreplaceable though, so that's a permanent casualty of my attempt on my life.
i happened to leave a suicide note on that external drive that i had on me during the event. and boy is it difficult to read. it's sharp and spiky and it also reminds me that i lost my journal from 15 years old and my sketchbook from a critical time in my life from where i moved during the events.
im thinking of doing random blackout poetry of my suicide note deranged ramblings and if its funny keep bits and pieces of it like trophies, they can get pretty fucking funny when you let them imply things
its a tricky game teasing out what works and what doesn't.
anyway i decided to reapply to college after getting through that! now i'm doing a degree for computer science. concentrating in video games.
i only fucking realize when im high that i am incredibly emotionally damaged and very very sensitive and still care far too precisely what people think. also theres room to work on myself but im doing a bangup job and its emotionally not too bad.
gonna create an astrology musings page on here i believe
anyway i think i have a second chance at being sober. didn't do it tonight and almost got a hard fucking lesson down my throat, got uncomfortably close and it's really sobering. can't be doing this shit. man what the hell is so great about having an altered mental process. all it does is make me think in different patterns and i'm overhearing way too much and i'm way too sensitive and i carried the god damn god of prophecy and divination apollo.
personal thing to self i will try to go without any substances (including monster energy drinks) until october 18 2023 because that is about a month from now so it's a good long while and it's the anniversary of getting my arm signed by daniel howell i was thinking of getting it tattooed but i'm not totally sure i have tattoo money although i have the closest thing to tattoo money that i've ever had. but i wouldn't have it at the shop that's walkable. i uh. saw some ugly tattoos getting put on people in that shop and i feel like a good shop would say something. gonna go to the more expensive out of my way one if i happen to get a job before the 18th, if not, i'm just gonna wait until i have a job probably and try to organically save the money to get it.
that feels like an actionable goal to work on my whole weed addiction. i should have known that sober i would regret it. it's like a nicotine thing for me like an actual addiction with how much i am unable to say no to it even when it mad fucks my mental up. i'm looking at the delusional ramblings of a suicidal kid and how am i still using weed when it puts me so close to that edge.
i'm so glad that my ex knows basically nothing about me.
it is a good thing to avoid him so the really jumble jumbled terrible emotions don't resurface and it's weird to see them months and months later.
i shouldn't have smoked weed but god damn it i need some sort of plan cause somehow even trying to listen to gods and goddesses omens wasnt enough to stop me. hermes said he didnt approve and i wore him down til he said okay but only to teach me a lesson. apollo didn't approve of it. persephone did? but thats like a new goddess i've started working with and i don't understand why that was.
i need an actual like plan if im gonna stay off weed while im surrounded with it in college. i need to think ahead for like how im gonna react while my friend is hitting his dab in front of me and lets me share.
nobody can do this for me and no i havent stopped passively allowing myself to slip into addiction.
god damn it things become so clear when holding the totem of the god of divination.
i do love having deities that actually protect me. but i juuuuuust about almost got taught a really hard lesson about being reckless. i guess im just really fucking young and feeling kinda helpless considering how much i'm recovering from all at once. it's a lot on me and i'm already deciding not to go out and purchase a vape from any corner store any given day. i've listened to that omen well enough. i don't even think i would be tempted to drink alcohol, haven't pushed for that. weed is just the hardest thing for me and do i have to lean into this difficulty somehow? embrace how hard it is to be sober? fucking google AA? maybe a support group really would work.
i don't know. it's really intimidating, all of it is. and my problem isn't with alcohol, it's with weed. i'll just try to make it a month and see how it goes.