20 september 2023
having weird conflicting feelings about this new college that i'm at and kinda missing the old one. didn't think i would be missing it but here i am missing it. it was cheaper for one although that's not a big deal to me right now, it had better support systems at least marginally, it was more liberal artsy, and there was a really great group of people in one specific dorm there that i miss dearly.
i just haven't really found my people here yet at this college. i've found people but i think my social battery gets drained semi quickly after yknow a year of isolation and not being around anybody.
worlds were colliding at my last college and i know i got out at the right time. there were some dire social consequences that i was barrel gun staring right down and my time and space at that place had expired. and i had a really good final visit, too.
i sort of wish there would have been a way for me to stay.
but even then i wouldn't have had the opportunity to change majors like i did here, changing to computer science. i had already wanted to fit in a minor in CS at the old college and just barely might have had room but im glad i get to actually major in it here. but even then it sets me back two years and yes i have gen eds done but itll still be four more years of college on top of the two i already completed.
i guess i just feel frustrated. i wish there were more people here like me. i've found friends but i don't feel like i've found anybody here who actually understands me. my best friend goes here but we barely ever see each other because he lives off campus.
i guess im waiting for things to really pick up for me. im sure they can but it's a lot to adjust to again and although i hated the old place while i was there i find myself missing it. there was a lot more nature around, there. here it's more urban. good to know that trees are important for my mental health. it was a good college and i hate admitting that.
but there was real reasons why i would have been ousted from my comfort spots there and that would have made the whole thing not worth it. having to avoid people in my major, having to avoid critique space back when i was doing an art degree, having to avoid the house i loved so dearly. natural consequences of the things that happened but it still would have cut so deep. yes, i got out at the right time, and it hurts to know that i had to leave.
i had to leave so bad that the universe gave me a whole ass disability one year and miraculously cleared it up so i would have the chance to come to a different college. like, wow, i can walk again level, literally.
i am assuming that i have been plopped down at this college for a reason. yes my belief system works that way. and hey i'm doing marching band again! and that means the world to me! it wasn't just misplaced childhood nostalgia it was real passion and determination and that's being stoked again and that might be one of the only things really keeping me going anymore. and there are more pagans here which is cool. finding so many pagans has been awesome actually we've been doing really cool stuff together.
i assume that the deeper i get into the computer science degree the more interesting it'll get. and it'll set me up for good job opportunities too. way better than i would have had pursuing an art and anthropology double major. that wouldn't have really landed me anywhere except a museum and i don't find museum work that interesting, i've done it before but i think that computer science stuff is more fun for me. tilde.town helped me realize that. now whether i'll enjoy doing it as a profession is a different story and maybe i would be happiest teaching art somewhere but i want flexibility to move states and i don't want to get stuck in the south teaching art for 30 years. comp sci feels like the best option so im glad im still bullish on that.
i guess im just in a slump. weirdly depressed somehow. but i'm making the most out of what i can, im managing my classes, and.... and i should get to sleep before 8am calculus. yippee.