20 november 2023
well Okay then.
this is mostly for posterity: i asked tarot what i would need in order to break my emotional attatchment to my ex. i got six of wands, two of cups, four of wands reversed.
the first two cards are super clear: i need a win in love. like, i need some successful relationship, one where things really click. tl;dr find soulmate and i will no longer be hung up about what happened between me and my ex.
four of wands reversed indicates that i need to leave home to find this person, or build a new home with them somewhere other than where i grew up. leaving my home state (which i did a long time ago but have still tried to return to and have thought about moving back to) will provide the ground necessary for me to find whats new and good.
now for the advice on how to make success happen. the chariot reversed and the two of wands reversed. it will be Slow. it is not coming towards me anytime soon. and i have no way of planning for it. it will just happen when the time is right, nowhere near now, the process will be long and theres nothing i can really do to strategize for it.
alright. so im left with this shitty pining until then? fucks sake.
like honestly i know they're not even that attractive to me these days. shhh shut up shut up about how that doesn't even matter to me rn. but like. ugh. i am trying. they were cringe in a lot of ways. i know they've changed but i literally got a reading saying that i would have committed suicide if i had stayed with them in the "perfect" version of events i was wondering about. and i know it's true, i know. they're not perfect. they definitely couldn't handle me as an entire person. i just based so much of my life around them, so down bad psychologically, its like they're a coping mechanism.
a huge shitty cosmic joke. thats what i feel like. i KNOW this has to be some twisted ass karmic "had to happen the way it did" bullshit. and maybe it'll all make sense once i do meet that person out there that will accept me and be actually attractive to me and give a fuck about what i deal with. i mean i can absolutely see how it all makes sense.
i just wish i didn't care so much.
and yeah i can see the unhealthy undertones in trying to move on by finding someone better but i don't know if that's really that serious. maybe it's normal.
i have, for the record, met people that would have been a better fit with me. fucked those things up royally (well, i can really only count the one person that i felt that way about) but im sure there are more people like that out there. god the lore on my life is insane. and i mean actually insane. like whatever you're thinking, i guarantee it is way out of left field compared to what you're thinking. being so strange makes me feel alienated from people.
2023 was supposed to be my baller ass, slam dunk, great fantastic epitome of a good year. Look what realistically happened. First five months were... chill, but purgatory. Then a whole fucking nuclear explosion happened for a month, but I came out of it walking again instead of being disabled. I dunno. It was fun but horrible. Then summer, then returning to college after a year away, which was nice, in terms of being around people my age again and getting back on the path to something in life. And then I've just been in college. Marching band has been nice. I guess it's been a "lucky" year in the long run, which was what my 10th house profection year was all about. But pluto being activated fucked my shit upppppp re:nuclear explosion. Pluto went retrograde in my 12th house and psychologically i was absolutely undone. I'm worried cause in late january of next year (pluto still being activated in my chart) it'll enter my 12th house again along with the sun entering the house at the same time. I'm fucked, and I know exactly what would be the culprit, if I let things get too far. I have to be really careful and learn the neptune conjunct lilith lesson, even though it's hard. I'm gonna be so fucking fragile. As if I'm not already. I'm already flying too close to the sun.
God fucking damn it.